Present in the Past

“My Master used to say that the family is the best environment for spirituality, because it is in the family that  you learn love and sacrifice. Now, if you divorce your wife, what is the sacrifice? Or if you abandon  your children, what is the sacrifice? That is why I was so angry. The environment we have is what is necessary for our spiritual development. Like when a mango tree grows in a certain place and then you take it and plant it in the mountains, it will not grow….”  

One of the many reasons which had driven me to the doorstep of meditation was my anger. Anger about everything and angry with everyone. I was unhappy with the way my life was slipping through my fingers. I was moving from one debilitating day to another. My continuous thought process then was how I was merely living but not alive, purposeful. I had so many plans, so many things to do and yet somehow my circumstances or responsibilities seemed to tie me down. I was vegetating and dwelling in the past and the dreary web I found myself in. I kept blaming my family for burdening me and pinning me down in a helpless situation. I was not being allowed to evolve, I was like the caterpillar going through the longest larva stage, yet to turn into a butterfly.

Meditation helped me do away with all that baggage and “blame the other person” attitude. Today, I have grown wiser and hopefully become a much calmer and better human being.  I have learned my lessons; thus the feeling of being trapped has disappeared. I feel free, purposeful and alive. I have lots to do, I have accomplished many goals and aspirations. Maybe that’s the reason I had to go through the drudgery and boredom so that I could appreciate my new self. Without any changes in my life (on the outside), I had blossomed and changed into a little butterfly! In the same set of circumstances, just with a new mindset, better self -awareness (of the person I am, my inside), I am able to be happy and alive.

These last few months I kept reminiscing about my busy days and I wonder why I am here, in Dublin. I have no work, I know no friends nor have any acquaintances, I am stuck at home twiddling my thumbs or switching the TV channels; becoming a couch potato.

Everything happens for a reason, live it, love it, learn from it…I know everything happens for a reason, but I wish I knew what the reason was, because the hardest thing is waiting for the understanding of the reason. Because, nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.

This move from India to Dublin, Ireland has forced me to remember the above quotes again. I have come to acknowledge in the last one year here that I am once again standing on the same threshold where I was before joining meditation. Not exactly the same threshold, but the mindset or the thought process seemed to wander in the same downward spiral. My observation is that I am more and more inclined to be ‘present in the past’. 

The first few months were busy and flew with getting acquainted with this beautiful city and its wonderful people.  Unfortunately for me, this country is the size of one Indian state, and the whole population is less than the population of a state in India! It was impossible for me to stretch my ‘new place euphoria’ beyond three months, even 3 months is a big stretch. Thus, with the honeymoon period gone, my ‘present in the past’ days became incessant. 

I was always acknowledged the fact that I would have very little active life-work here in Dublin. Yet, the new, post-meditation me was confident that I would find ways and means to be busy and happy; find some avocation to keep myself occupied and actively engaged. But now, almost every second day I find myself in a state of limbo and I feel trapped. I want to go back to my busy life. This thought process invariably brings back my question as to why, why am I here!? What is my role in this place?

I feel like that uprooted mango tree! I was happy and blooming there, in India. But, Master also said,’ that the family is the best environment for spirituality, because it is in the family you learn love and sacrifice……. Because the environment which we have is what is necessary for our spiritual development.’ Today, I have been re-planted here, in a totally new environment. Thanks to my meditation I am not angry nor have I begun the blame game. But my quest has begun. This shift to Dublin was to be able to be together again, as a family. For the last few years I had become comfortable being on my own. This big shift is something I needed to accept and adapt to. I had to learn to be at home without feeling trapped. I keep writing about this wonderful place and give the impression of being very happy and busy, but I keep cribbing and complaining to my better half about being stuck; holed up in this ‘god forsaken place’! There is a duplicity in me and my expression of self. That needs to go. In India, doing what I wanted was a piece of cake. I did not have to struggle or move away from my comfort zone. This place; I need to re-learn everything and from this environment that I am in today.  Meditation must help me be calm and with equanimity, anywhere and with anyone. This simple change of place has made my world so topsy-turvy. I am undoubtedly better than before but there is room for change still. May be that’s why I am here, to do away with the duplicity, get out of my comfort zone and learn again, afresh and anew. I am actually learning so much here, from the place and people, I need to bring some purpose to this learning and put it all to practice. For all this to fructify, I have to put a stop to my ‘present in the past’ state.

 Learn to be present in the present, accept the change and be alive now, in the now.