children and upbringing

children

Children, especially in our over populated country, are the easiest available raw material. Why I am referring to children as raw material is because parents’ can mould them or shape them the way they want. The parents’ kind of pre decide the end result on behalf of their children and start working on the child nudging gently or pushing roughly or by issuing ultimatums in order to get the child on to the path they thought of for their child. Yet after 18 odd years of diligent training and shaping the end result is always dissatisfying to the parent.

When things start to get out of hand, the parents are still wondering and only after they are neck deep in doubt and worry do they approach me for counsel and crib, “After so many years of effort and sacrifice; my children are not what I wanted them to be. Where did I go wrong? All my sacrifice has gone unrecognized and into the garbage bin”. My first question to them usually is, “Since when has bringing up your own children become a sacrifice?” The parents immediately rephrase their statement or get annoyed at my inability to sympathize with them. I either end up losing the parent to a different counselor or the parent and I invariably get into an argument and they leave my clinic miffed at being shown the mirror so blatantly. Over these years I have realized that personally, I am very prejudiced, that makes me a bad counselor, really. I tend to see the child’s view point more than the parents, because what the child is today is obviously the result of the last years of upbringing by the parent; and I am unable to see beyond that. That is a hurdle I need to cross though, my personal battle. I will come to the point of upbringing now.

upbringing

Upbringing involves a lot of effort is correct, but more than effort it is the right attitude which matters the most. If the parents raise their children as a duty then no pleasure is involved and the relationship becomes very formal and uptight. On the other hand if the children are given too many liberties then they become very self centered failing to understand their parents perspective. A fine balance is needed and it is always a tight rope walk, that to a walk where the fall can be any second albeit the precautions taken. Even after failures the parents need to cast aside their despondent attitude and keep searching for that sliver of ray of hope. Because this hope is immediately transferred to the children and a new positive beginning is just around the corner then. Parents’ who treat upbringing as a sacrifice will impart only a feeling of forced responsibility and a guilt too in the mind of the child. Subconsciously the child clips its own wings and is always afraid to take a giant leap or surge ahead in search of unchartered territories. They keep seeking the parents’ approval and never really grow up to be independent and confident children. This undoubtedly adds to the misery of the sacrificing parents, because this is not what they had bargained for! But, unknowingly they have been working towards this alone right from the word go, so it will become a case of crying over spilt milk.

Upbringing is actually a pleasurable journey for the parents and the child too. It is acceptable to be a moody parent or a strict parent or a lenient parent. In the eyes of the child the parent is never wrong and if the parent is showing a change in behavior then the lapse has been on the part of the child itself. The parents’ can afford to take many liberties with their children while raising them because children are far more loving and forgiving than the parents! They do not expect an apology from us ever, we do, the thought of forgiving or punishing crosses the mind of the parent only; the child unquestioningly accepts both the carrots and the sticks! They never say you do this then only I will study or eat vegetables; we start this whole cycle of blackmail. We say, “You perform, I will buy you a mobile” or “you eat your vegetables or I will ask the doctor to give you a BIG injection”. We parents’ compare our child with the neighbors or relatives children, robbing them of their unique qualities. As the children reach adolescence they begin to really see, understand and finally the tired children also begin to compare, get angry, seek an apology from the parents and start the blackmail cycle with the parents! And the parents wonder where the child is learning such weird habits from; this is not how we raised our children! Who do they emulate? What did we do to deserve this? And an endless stream of such queries crop in the minds of these worried parents.

Bringing up a child is a very learning journey and the journey is never ending because every day is a different story, a different experience and a different lesson to be learnt, for the parent and for the children too. Reaching the destination is not a part of upbringing, enjoying the whole journey and savoring each moment, capturing the special events and growing with them is upbringing. Upbringing is life’s best teacher because lessons are learnt naturally, the learning parent raises a competent happy child and also becomes the most blessed and happy parent.

I will end this with a small poem by Khalil Gibran, “your children are not your children. They are the son’s and daughter’s of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you bur not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you….. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. Let you bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”